My deadline is the day after tomorrow and I still have to rewrite my draft but here I am, trying to properly space and punctuate this poem. Just imagine how it was before, a big chuck of text without any punctuation or capitalisation. Honestly, I liked it that way. But I know I’ve put you all through poor legibility before so I wanted to at least attempt to make it a bit easier. I don’t think I lost too much of the original this way. I didn’t delete anything, or add any words. It’s just the raw feelings I poured on the page when I wasn’t doing well. I’m not doing too well now either but I’m too busy to think these days so it’s okay, I’m surviving. Not thinking equals not feeling, in my case, so I’m okay. I meant to update earlier this month but I didn’t think I had anything ready. Then I decided to wait until after this stress but I realised you can’t really put everything on hold to focus on one thing. It’s why I got myself a new job (I wait tables) and it’s why you’re able to read these words. Enjoy. (I use 4 different you’s throughout the thing but interpret it whichever way you’d like.)
(God damn it, I forgot a title.)
Mis-connection, missed connection
find you, find me
lost and all alone
you are big and i am small
climbed great heights, fell so deep
what is life if not this endless torment
when and why and also how
you and me
i don’t even know
where are you when i need you most
now that you’re happy and all alright i’m left to crumble alone
i lifted you up so where are you now, now that i am in need of lifting
i don’t think i lost out; i didn’t miss you
so what did i gain?
i can’t understand you
the way you think is foreign to me
are you okay?
what’s wrong with us? thank you for trying, for loving,
for being there, my rock
though you disappeared when it was crucial you would stay
i was all alone without you, without anyone
what was i to do? how did i survive?
i missed you so much; don’t ever leave again
you, you confuse me so
unlike your first impression, such depth, such beauty, friend, i care
i can’t believe you’re gone
i’m back in denial
stage one of grieving, as if it happened only yesterday
so alone, so sad all by yourself
i wish i could’ve been there, made you smile one last time
your last moment unhappy, it breaks my heart
how can you be gone?
why didn’t you take me with you?
i’m left behind in this scary world i don’t understand
how am i to survive without you? without me?
there is no future; there is no past; the present is it
how long must i hold on?
what is my prize?
will i see you again? will i be able to hold you close?
so soft and warm
i long for it, for you
why must it be so?
you were so far away but this is so much worse
i keep talking to you as if you’re still here, as if you can hear me
i know you can’t. i’m not even speaking out loud
it’s all in my head, everything’s in my head
when will my brain ever shut up? there’s so much going on, thoughts going full speed, never a moment’s rest
was this what you felt too?
you were sensitive and so am i. is that why i still cry when i think of you? when i hear your voice that will never produce new sounds?
everything’s been said
you left behind so much, least of all me
nothing but memories
the world wasn’t meant for us; there’s nothing here that will remain a thousand years from now. there is no meaning, no purpose, no nothing
and now me alone.
what do i do?